


Bleeding Heart Doves

by SeasonalTea



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, F/M, Female Reader, Just reposting an old thing sorry it's so old it's not gender neutral, Reader-Insert, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 11:33:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16618178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeasonalTea/pseuds/SeasonalTea
Summary: Some people wore their heart on their sleeve and others kept it hidden in the darkest depths of their chests. You ripped yours out and let the wound leak and stain your white school uniform for everyone to see.At least you were not alone in the matter.





	Bleeding Heart Doves

**Author's Note:**

> This was written back for Oikawa's birthday (20/7) back in like, 20...15? I had it posted elsewhere and figured it was well liked enough to post onto this account.
> 
> [Old Notes]  
> Holy christ this is the single longest oneshot I have ever written and my current third longest thing ever. It took around a week to finally finish this and I steamrolled near the end in order to get this up on Oikawa's birthday!! Happy birthday my sweet prince and I apologise for nothing in this fic.
> 
> Short disclaimer: I did my best to really spot any typos and mistakes, but this is a 12k+ oneshot mostly written between 12 and 5am. I really tried, but please bear with me if my grammar goes southward ('if' probably 'when' but really 'IF').
> 
> [I don't own anything except the original writing and all rights belong to the respective owners.]

               Rain poured outside along with howling winds in the form of a typical autumn storm.  The frigid chill in the air had people bundled in blankets upon blankets as they tried to sleep through the uncomfortable night.  The old houses of the area did little to trap what sparse heat the heavy wood stoves produced with their smouldering embers in the late night.  Amongst all the cold and frost sat a woman whose hands were burning warm.

               Red was the liquid that heated her skin, gleaming from the dim candlelight in an otherwise pitch-black room.

               Suddenly, light started to bleed into the shadowed room in a blinding brightness.  A rhythmic bird chirp sounded on a steady beat as the white light became nearly unbearable, but the red stains on the woman's hands only glowed with the light.  Against the brightness the woman thought to open her eyes as the steady chirping became shriller and less natural.  As eyelids cracked open, the light began to dim and a bleary scene of off-white plaster opened up.

               "Ah...it was that dream," you mumbled somewhat incoherently as consciousness came to your mind.

               The morning sun streamed into the room and directly onto your bed from the adjacent window left unblocked for the purpose of waking you.  It was typical for the light to invade your dreams and bring you out of them.  Similarly, a steady beeping from your overhead alarm clock helped to rouse you on time.  Still a little weary, you roughly fumbled with the plastic clock until you managed to turn off the alarm.  A few moments were spent yawning and rubbing the sleep from your eyes before you threw off your blanket and shifted to sit on the edge of the mattress.  A dreary sigh left your lips.

               “I could have done without seeing that right before the first day," you grumbled aloud and reached for your uniform to change into.

               For as many years as you could remember, that dream was something you saw on a frequent basis.  Sometimes the people and setting would change, but the vision was always the same at the core.  A woman that could have any face would kill a man who could look like any other.  Every time, you would see the situation play out from the woman's perspective and hear her every thought; those, too, never changed.  The ever-differing women in your dreams would always remember something important and mourn their fate.  They were all born for the sole reason of killing the distinct men they each saw in your dreams.  Whether they got away with murder, were quickly caught, or perhaps even committed suicide after, you did not know.  The vision would finish as soon as the act was done and the woman acknowledged the fulfilment of her destiny.

               Another yawn escaped you as you finished flattening out your beige and navy plaid skirt.  A quick check in the full body mirror thankfully showed no mishaps with your white sweater or black knee socks.  From where your uniform was laid out earlier, you retrieved the remaining maroon ribbon and nimbly slipped it under your collar before tying the appropriate bow.  When the fabric rested nicely atop your blue-grey dress shirt, you gave yourself a last once over before deeming your uniform as satisfactory.

               "Better eat quick and head out early.  It's the first day and all."

               A short breakfast and goodbye to your parents later, you headed out the door.  Even though the beginning of high school was an important occasion, your earlier dream refused to leave you.  It was always like that afterwards, but even as a small child you never voiced what you saw to anyone.  You seemed to be a peaceful sleeper since no one ever noted trouble even if you saw that vision while in his or her presence.  It was nothing more than instinct that held you back when you were younger, but the reasoning was far clearer now.  It was one of the most surreal events in your life when you woke up and realised that all those women you dreamed about were actually you in some sort of past life.

               The absolute most surreal event, you supposed, was learning that you would follow in all of your previous selves' footsteps.

               A frown curled at your lips as you remembered that detail.  There were still many things that you were unclear about with the whole situation and you were not entirely convinced of this presumed destiny of yours, no matter how strongly your instincts insisted upon it.  Feeling irritated, you shook your head quickly to scatter your thoughts and took a deep breath.  In the midst of all your thinking, you had arrived at your new high school.  The front gate was open and pleasantly decorated with minimal streamers and flowers for a more refined look.  The metal nameplate was particularly appealing from probably a buffing just that morning.  As you stepped onto the campus, you found yourself breathing the school's name in mixed nervousness and excitement.

               "Aoba Jousai Private High School, huh." You took a deep breath and headed for the main gymnasium.  Hopefully the formalities would not be too droll, but you kept your expectations realistic.  The two went hand-in-hand after all.

               It was something near three hours later a small whine echoed from your throat as you pulled at your stiff shoulders.  You had no idea those old men could talk for so long!  The entrance ceremony for the start of school had been much lengthier than your middle school one and your body was suffering from sitting in a single position for so long.  A couple of nice kids sitting near you had introduced their selves, but you doubted you would ever talk to them again.  Ever since you learnt about the nature of your reoccurring dreams in middle school, you had started to shut yourself off from other people.  After all, why cause others misery when you might eventually become a murderer?  A dry chortle escaped you.

               Not feeling any need to wander before class, you made your way through the first level halls until you spotted your designated room.  The sliding door was already opened and a few other students chatted amongst the desks.  You sneaked in as quietly as you could and checked the blackboard for your seat.  A quick scan found your name labelled on a desk two rows back and in the middle column, third from the classroom windows.  You huffed at your inability to cloud gaze from such an interior seat.  Getting over your sour feelings at your placement, when you sat at your desk you realised it was a good spot to actually pay attention in.  Keeping your grades up was important since you were not exactly sure when in the future you would fall from moral grace.  Who knows, you might be able to get away with it cleanly and need to continue living life.  Justice was far from perfect and all that.

               "Oh, lucky!  My first year in high school and I get to sit next to a cute girl through it all, heheh," a lyrical male voice broke you out of your thoughts before you noticed another student taking the desk to your right.

               A little surprised and a bit shy at the sudden conversation, you moved maybe a little too fast to face your desk neighbour and slammed your hand into the table underside.

               "Ow!  Crap…" you hissed in irritation more so than pain and cradled your stinging left hand in the palm of your right.  
               "Whoa, you okay?  Sorry, did I scare you?" Before you could reply, gentle hands reached out for your injured one and stalled the words in your throat.  A warm thumb smoothed over your irritated red skin. “You're not bleeding, thank goodness.  I'm really sorry about that," the male apologised once more.  You were too embarrassed at that moment to look at him.  If he figured you were fine, then there was no reason to keep holding your hand!

               "Ah, no, it's fine.  Um..."

               "Tooru!  I'm Oikawa Tooru.  Talk about a literal rough first meeting, but I'm your neighbour for the rest of the year, so please treat me well!" the boy laughed and gave your hand a friendly squeeze, effectively drawing a surprised squeak from you before you tore your hand back.  Feeling more than embarrassed, you lifted your face and opened your mouth to give a proper greeting.  Your body, however, froze completely as your eyes met kind and lively sienna pools.

               Ah, you realised, he was the one you would eventually kill with the very hands he just held.

* * *

               There was no other way to describe the day's weather than simply perfect.  A bright sun with only thin clouds in the sky and a refreshing breeze that tickled one's cheeks.  On such a wonderful day, you sat with only one or two other students eating lunch inside your classroom.  Despite the rare weather for early spring, it felt more comfortable for you in the quiet atmosphere of the near empty room rather than the chatter of the outdoors.  When there were too many people around paranoia would ooze into your gut and you would have issues looking up from the ground.  It was not a result of an abnormal shyness or social anxiety, but an innate fear that your equivalent of the man from your dreams would be among the crowd.

               Well, you supposed that was not a valid excuse anymore.

               Today marked your fourth day as a high school student as well as the fourth day you now knew the boy you would eventually murder.  What exactly it was that led to Oikawa Tooru being your destined victim, you had no idea.  The only thing you did know was that you would kill him, but not yet.  That same instinct that acted up as soon as your eyes met also rejected the idea of making a move so soon.  You wondered if meeting the male like this was something fortunate, or perhaps not.  All of your dreams involved fully-grown adults that may or may not have known each other.  There was no time to judge when one of them was quickly cut down in some way.  No matter the case, you really did not like the idea of playing false friends with your classmate only to possibly literally stab him in the back some day.  The irony of that thought wrestled a chuckle from between the meal in your mouth.

               "My cute neighbour seems to be in a good mood today." That chortle quickly turned to a choke.

               "Oi-guh!" You slapped a hand over your mouth as food definitely went down the wrong way and you tried to contain your choking fit.

               "Is this becoming some sort of running gag?!  Aah, sorry in advance!" You had half the mind to try stabbing your chopsticks into Oikawa's throat right then for his first comment.  Before that could happen, however, you felt something smack you right between the shoulder blades and you gasped at the pain.  A couple more coughs later and you found yourself able to breathe again.

               "Y-You okay?  I'm sorry about hitting you!  But, well..."

               "Apologise for almost killing me in the first place, moron," you croaked out before wiping your mouth with your napkin.

               "...But isn't that more your fault for getting so scared when I talk to you?  The first two days you totally avoided me and then yesterday, too, you even ran away as soon as I said something.  Am I that intimidating on your poor maiden heart?" Oikawa sighed somewhat wistfully.  Maybe killing this guy would not be such a bad experience, you thought.

               "All of those times, as well as just now, were because you said weird things out of nowhere!  Yesterday especially, you called me ‘little lamb’.  I mean, really, Oikawa-kun?  Really?" you questioned the brunet rather harshly before a stray thought escaped you without being filtered, "Or, wait, are you maybe just really bad at flirting?  Crap, if you're one of those types who speak flashily to make up for some sort of trauma I may have said something really mean," you worried ashamedly into your hand.

               "Definitely not!  That last theory of yours was far more insulting!  What a girl I've been seated next to for a whole year, cute or not, jeez," the first-year groaned and slumped into his seat dejectedly.  No more complaints left the brunet, but Oikawa continued to glower at you with a puffed cheek from the makeshift pillow of his arms.  It was uncomfortable to say in the least.

               "So, did you need something from me in the first place?  It's still the middle of lunch and I can't really think of any reason someone like you would come back so early," you relented to the male's stare and talked to him.  Almost immediately, a bright grin flashed across his face.

               "Nope!  Not at all!  I just thought I would finally have a chance to catch my elusive neighbour and finally talk to her." There seemed to be no limit on how sweetly the boy could talk and it made your chest clench for some reason.  Oikawa continued on with barely a break for you to reply, "Hey, hey, so tell me about yourself.  What do you like?  Dislike?"

               "How about you go first?  It's rude to ask about others without providing first," you replied evenly and then popped the last bits of your lunch into your mouth.  Your neighbour let out a chiming laugh.  So even his laugh was lyrical.

               "Fair is fair, I guess.  Well, I obviously like cute girls"—he winked flirtatiously and you slapped a hand to your face—“and my favourite food is milk bread.  The number one thing I like, though, would have to be volleyball.  I'm pretty good, you know." Perhaps it was the genuine excitement in his voice when he spoke or the happy flush on his cheeks, but you refrained from retorting to his self-praise.

               "That so?  Then what do you dislike, Oikawa-kun?" You folded your napkin back around your lunchbox and stuffed it back into your bag.

               "Mm, that would have to be geniuses," the brunet responded somewhat glumly.  His previous energy had completely vanished and something reflecting in those sienna irises told you not to pry.  Instead, you cleared your throat for Oikawa's attention.

               "Well, it's my turn then.  Um, if it's what I like then probably...writing?  It's a good way to immerse myself in something for a bit and before you ask: no, I will not share anything I have written and I probably never will." Your desk neighbour chuckled nervously as you stared him down seriously.

               "So, then, what do you dislike?" he prodded.

               You parted your lips to speak, but sounds did not pass.  It was a simple question, but you only had complicated answers.  Dislike?  How about your whole life?  Your supposed destiny?  Those dreams night after night that you were lucky to get even a two-day reprieve from were pretty damn high in your dislikes list.  What if you answered that you disliked that you had to kill him?  It was not as if you liked the idea in any way so it would not be a lie.  Even as the silence stretched on, Oikawa remained patient and awaited your answer.  A wry smile curled your lips before you spoke.

               "White.  I really hate the colour white," your voice was soft as you gripped your uniform sweater in the centre and a little to the left—right above your heart, "because it's so easy to see stains on such a clean colour."

               As your hand clenched the alabaster fabric tighter, the warning bell that signalled the end of the lunch break rang.  Students soon started to enter the classroom and filled the space with their voices.  Amidst the chatter, you gave the somewhat stunned Oikawa one more dull smile before turning away to get ready for the next lesson.

               Through the rest of the day you pointedly avoided conversing any further with your neighbour and only replied to him when absolutely necessary.  As soon as the afternoon break started, you left your desk before the brunet could trap you and escaped to one of the back corners of the library.

               "God damn it, what a mess," you muttered into your sweater sleeves as you lay slumped over the small table.  How the hell were you going to handle this?  For up to maybe three years you would have to go to school with Oikawa and for a whole year of that you would sit next to said boy you inexplicably had to kill eventually.

               That was just fucked up on all levels.

               For the rest of the break you let yourself mope and vent your emotional turmoil in solitude.  When you dragged yourself back to class just before the warning bell sounded, you sighed in relief at the empty seat next to yours.  Doing your best to make it through the rest of the day, you gathered your materials for the upcoming class and flipped to an empty page of your notebook.  Other students were already filing back in, but you tried to not pay any mind.  When the chair to your right scratched against the floor signalling its occupant's return, you gripped your pencil a little harder, but remained stoic.  By some miracle, Oikawa made no attempt to talk to you before the teacher walked in.

               The rest of the school day passed without much activity, for which you were thankful.  As soon as the last teacher declared class was over, you hastily stuffed your materials into your bag and rushed out of the room as inconspicuously as possible.  Your pace was brisk and your footsteps a little heavy, but all you cared for at that moment was to get out of the school.  Your gut churned endlessly and you felt as if you would keel over.  Soon you were out the front doors and past the school gate.  Once you were off campus grounds, part of a heavy weight on you seemed to lift and you heaved a weary sigh.  At a more relaxed pace, you started down the road to home.

               "This is going to be hell, isn't it?" you groaned and brooded the rest of the way home.

               The latter half of your afternoon and then evening passed by uneventfully.  Your parents returned at the usual time and the three of you had dinner around the table like always.  Homework was diligently finished and a relaxing shower after led you to a satisfied end of the day before you tucked into bed.  Within minutes, you drifted off into what you hoped would be a peaceful sleep.

               When you opened your eyes next, you faced man taller than yourself, face obscured by the dim lighting of what you assumed was a weak fire of some sort off to the side.

               "Why...?  Are you really going to go?  Just like this and leaving me to suffer all the consequences?!" you felt yourself scream, but it was not your voice you heard.  It could only belong to whichever woman you were dreaming as.

               "You can despise me and curse me all you want; I have no right to expect anything less.  This is the right thing to do, though!  In the end, it just wouldn't work and you know that, so please just do your best," the shadowed man talked as if the other was a child.  It was probably just your state of being in the woman's position, but you felt a boiling rage at those words.

               Without another breath spared, the male turned his back to, you guessed, leave the house that the two shared.  Previously did, anyways, until this apparent breaking of ties.  The rage in you swelled at that thought and you felt the dream woman's body move.  Something cold was grasped from off a nearby table and moments later it was burning warm.  Over and down your shared fingers you could feel the heated liquid run, gleaming its red essence in the firelight.  The man coughed in a horribly pained manner and dropped to his knees before fully collapsing.

               Silence enveloped the two before a scream deafened your ears.

               Half screaming and half gasping, the woman also dropped to her knees before crawling over to the fallen man in staggered motion.  A large knife was embedded in his back just next to a shoulder blade.  The steel had probably punctured a lung.

               "A-Ah..." the wounded man tried to speak, but only blood passed his lips.  Desperately, the woman scurried over to face the man as best she could, her hands slipping in the pooling blood she had spilled.

               "I-I, no, oh god w-why...?" she tried to speak, but there were no right words to be said.

               "It's...my f-fault." The man continued to leak blood as he spoke.

               "Wha...t?"

               "I remember...now...the pa...in I've caused...you.  This...was to be expected.  F...Forgive me..." His thumb smeared brilliant crimson on the woman's cheek as it smoothed downwards before the male's hand fell lifelessly to the floor.

               Another scream ripped from her throat.

               "Your fault?!  How can you even say that?!  When I-I just...!" Garbled sounds were all that left her mouth as the woman devolved into hysterical sobs.  Darkness enveloped your sight as the woman cried her heart out amidst the red pool and murder man.

               After an indefinite amount of time, the woman's grief started to subdue itself and incoherent words passed her lips.  Gently, causing soft ripples in the surrounding blood, she pulled the knife from the man's body and shifted his head to rest in her lap as she stroked some loose hair out of his eyes.  The man's face was completely blurred by the tears in your shared vision with the woman.

               "Oh God, oh Devil, if either of you exist, I beg and prostrate myself before you.  There was no justice in my actions and no righteousness in this death, so I most desperately ask of you who rule over the sanctions of life, grant this man pardon and punishment for myself.  Not even the torture of Hell would satisfy me.  I deserve what I have done, so give this beloved man a second chance at happiness and the right to deliver my sentence.

               "As many times as it takes to satisfy his deserved vengeance, let him take my life the next time we meet."

               Without a pause, the woman picked up the knife, and turned it onto herself.  She took a deep breath and let out a laugh.  You could feel the smile on her lips as well as the blade tip at your throat.

               That was when blinding darkness washed over you and your eyes snapped open to the blurred view of your room.  You gasped at the sudden shock back into reality and clutched your bed sheets between your fingers.  Slowly, the rest of your body registered in your mind and you did your best to even out your breathing.  You buried your face into your pillow and tried to force the lingering visions of the dream from your mind.  A few more minutes were spent forcibly calming yourself and eventually you felt a little more coherent.  Most definitely not going to be able to return to sleep, you checked your nearby phone for the time, only to find it was not even ten past five in the morning.  You hissed and pressed your face into the pillow once more.  Several more minutes passed you by in that state before you forced a ragged sigh and crawled out from under the sheets.  There was no way you would be able to waste nearly two hours idly in the house with your current mental state.  If you took a quick shower to clear your head and ate something decent, you could probably head out at the same time as club members to avoid worrying your parents.  Deciding that an early walk would be helpful, you grabbed your uniform and headed for the bathroom.

               As you started to wash, you took a moment to organise your dream and calm down from it.  That was your first time seeing that particular situation and even witnessing what happened after the man's death.  What exactly was that woman's monologue before she finished herself?  To be killed by that man in another life, over and over, sounded too surreal.  Of course, your entire "destined to kill a boy" situation was hardly believable itself.  You raised your head and let the showerhead spray directly into your face as you came to a conclusion.  As fantastical as it seemed, that dream was probably the first death in the killing cycle and all the others were sorts of reincarnations that carried on the curse.  You were just another life in that system.  The one thing that bothered you, however, was why were you still killing the other person?  Had the first not wished to be killed?  Probably, whoever set up this cycle had a twisted sense of humour and made your half of the pair relive their suffering as punishment instead.  It was definitely more taxing than if you were to be killed, you supposed.

               After the shower and scrounging up a filling breakfast, you sat on the front landing with five minutes till six as you slipped on a pair of worn sneakers.  You wanted to set your mind at ease while walking, so comfort was better than style for the day.  You would change to the indoor shoes at school anyways so it was no big deal.  Hefting back to your feet, you checked over your shoulder to see your note to your parents still on the table.  Satisfied with your excuse written there, you exited and started down the road for the school.  There was a small playground on the way that you figured would be a good place to stop at.  It was located at a split in the road that led to various neighbourhoods, so you could relax without minding the time and simply continue on your way once other students passed you by.  When you spotted the main road that the smaller paths merged into and then the playground area, you jogged forward and pressed your palms down atop the entrance railing as you leaned over it.  The park was an innocent place that helped put your mind at ease and you could already feel its effects as you took a deep breath of the morning air.  Peaceful moments like this were absolutely precious to you.

               "Eh?  What's the cute little lamb doing here?"

               A scream rose through your throat, only to be cut off as you tipped forward over the metal rail and landed face first in the dirt.

               "Seriously?!  This 'getting surprised by me and hurting yourself' thing really needs to stop!" Oikawa shouted as he ran over to help.  You, in the meantime, decided that playground dirt did not have a particularly likeable taste.  If anything, it was quite disgusting.

               "Ah, jeez!  Is this going to be how all of our meetings go?  I'm really starting to worry how you'll survive the whole next year as my seat neighbour," the brunet worried as he helped you sit up and started to dust off your uniform sweater.  A frown twisted his lips as the brown soil already left stains on the white cotton.

               "If you're unhappy about this pattern, you should just imagine how I must feel," you shot back as angrily as you could, though your voice was hoarse.  Oikawa chuckled weakly as he offered a hand that you begrudgingly took.

               "Maybe you should stop spacing out so much.  That's what you look like all the time and the only reason why you would get so shocked when I talk.  Or, could it be-!"

               "Even imply it and you'll find out just how absolutely terrible the dirt tastes.  Let me tell you from first-hand experience, it is amazingly bad," you hissed.  The other first-year quickly raised his hands in surrender.

               "I wasn't going to, I swear!  But if not now, you'll definitely fall for me some day!"

               "Idiot!!"

               You wanted to be mad at the brunet so badly and to have a reason to hate him.  After all, you were going to cold-bloodedly murder him in the future.  Yet, when he laughed in that musical way with a boyish rasp, you lost your spirit.  Oikawa had no idea about any of the demons that haunted you.  By some astrologically minuscule chance, the two of you had simply met early in this life and it was your burden alone to carry the knowledge of what awaited the both of you.  There was no way you could hate this boy who earnestly wanted to befriend you.  Perhaps, against your earlier opinion and by some sick sense of pity, you could go along with it.  He seemed bent on befriending you, anyways.  If you were going to kill him, why not make Oikawa happy in what ways you could?  This was probably just another layer to your punishment in your current life no matter how much you hated it.

               "Hey, Oikawa?  Why do you keep trying so hard to talk to me?" You wanted to confirm it for yourself, though, the boy's innocence.

               "H-Huh?  Uh, well, we're desk neighbours and will probably get paired up a lot in the future, so it would be best if we got along.  Mmm, but, honestly, I can't help but feel drawn to you!" That delighted blush rose to the brunet's cheeks again when he called your name and you could feel your own body temperature start to burn.

              "That's cheesy as heck!  And what's with the sudden intimacy?!"

               "But just now you said 'Oikawa' and not 'Oikawa-kun'!  That means you already consider us friends, don't you?  After all, I can tell you're the super serious type about stuff like that so there's no way it wasn't intentional," the first-year replied deftly.  Then, a cheeky grin pulled at his lips and you had to repress a groan at his next words. "Besides, your first name is much prettier and rolls off my tongue in such a pleasant way.  It can't be helped if we were made so well for each other."

               "You are a true and rare breed of idiocy and I already regret deciding to try being your friend." Even if your irritation was real at that moment, you could not deny the amused flutter of your heart when the brunet laughed and grinned at you.

               It was that early spring morning you first walked to school with Oikawa.  The two of you lived down the same main road that split by the park, but you never crossed paths since the brunet had morning and afternoon practises while you had not joined any clubs in school.  The male tried to convince you to become a manager for the volleyball team, but you blatantly refused to.  After that, you both arrived on campus and you learnt about the male's childhood best friend.  Before Oikawa could talk any further, however, a sports ball came flying from the front and knocked your new friend right in the face.

               You had an interesting first meeting with his best friend named Iwaizumi Hajime.

               After Oikawa got reproached for arriving late, Iwaizumi dragged the brunet away for morning practise.  You ended up retiring to the library until regular classes started.

               The rest of the year passed by in a relatively peaceful manner.  Oikawa and you got along surprisingly well—omit his audacious flirting at times—and Iwaizumi was good company when your desk neighbour would behave himself.  Whenever you woke up early enough, you would head out and wait by the park for the two boys and walk to school together despite your lack of activities.  If Oikawa was persistent enough, he would occasionally convince you to watch their morning practise.  You were not particularly invested in volleyball, but you believed the brunet when he said he was good at the sport after witnessing his plays.  Even though you would never admit it, sometimes your heart would jump a little at seeing Oikawa so lively and at peace while playing.  The only explanation you could muster was that the feeling was guilt at your knowledge of the future.  There were also days when you stayed after school to watch a practise or otherwise work on your homework in the library until your friends' afternoon club activities ended.  The three of you would then walk home together for the most part.  These occasions became more frequent in your second year since you were placed in a different class from both boys and had no time to chat other than lunch.  Strangely enough, in your third year you ended up in the same class as Iwaizumi.  Oikawa rose a huge fuss and almost barged into the collective teacher's office to demand to be relocated to Class Five.  It took both your and Iwaizumi’s strength in order hold back the brunet.

               Life was pleasant if only you did not have the same dreams of repeated lives that all led to murder and death nearly every night.

               Over the next two and a half years, life was both joyous and dreadful with the two boys you considered friends.  Although you had grown fond of them both, you were aware that some part of you enjoyed Oikawa's company over Iwaizumi.  Those emotions, however, were never acknowledged as you shoved it far and deep down to be locked away.  You had not expected your time with your friends to last for so long.  Your instincts still warned you against trying to so much as touch Oikawa, so you did not.  For almost three years you walked, talked, laughed, argued, and grew up with the boy you would murder as well as his best friend.  You lost count of the amount of times you thought or even almost tried to tell them the truth.  The secret that you harboured something psychotic and dangerous deep inside and that they should keep away.  It was maddening and your dreams only became longer and more detailed as time went on.  You discovered there were some pairs that had met earlier like your current self, but those were usually only a couple months early at most.  Most common were the pairs who met maybe a few days ago or so before a move was made and the cycle finished.  There were even cases where the pair only made eye contact and, without hesitation, your dream self would use anything on hand to carry out their destiny.  Those situations never ended well from what you were shown.  You wondered if you would be like them or maybe you would have a clean getaway like some others did.  Or maybe the guilt would be too much and you would follow in your first self's footsteps?  You could only wait for the day to arise.

               That was why, in your third year on a chilly late November morning in the frigid beginnings of winter, one word immediately left your mouth after waking from a rare, dreamless sleep.

               "Fuck."

               Today was the day.

               When you checked your phone, the brightly lit screen showed it to be about a quarter past six.  You had woken up nearly an hour too early for normal days, but much too late to meet up with the boys.  Although, the idea of seeing those two today was not exciting in the least.  Your stomach let out a croak and clenched as you lay there, phone in hand.  With a weary groan, you forced yourself up and tried to change as quickly as possible in the morning chill.  Soon your winter uniform of a white blazer and dark stockings instead of the sweater and knee socks was properly adorned, so you headed to the bathroom to finish up your morning routine.  When you stepped into your bathroom, you stopped as a thought passed you by.  Maybe a razor would work well for today?  The idea was quickly shot down by your instinct.  It was only a bit later as you finished washing your face that you stopped once more, but this time in horror.  You had just debated on a murder weapon to use on one of your only two friends for the past three years in complete nonchalance.  This time, your heart wrenched in your chest and you had to support yourself against the sink, your legs losing their strength in your conflict.  Hot tears welled in your eyes and a single choked sob left your mouth.

               There was no way you would be able to withstand killing Oikawa.  You were definitely capable of the act and your driving instinct would not let this day pass so easily, but the burden would be too heavy.  This time was far too different from the others.  The brunet had been with you for nearly three whole years.  You could clearly envision him in your mind with that cheeky grin and pleased tint to his cheeks.  Just imagining his chiming laugh caused a surge in your tears and you collapsed onto your knees.  If you went through with murdering Oikawa, you would follow him within a few minutes, that much you were sure of.

               Somewhere a little farther back in your mind, you wondered if this was similar to how your first life had felt like.  The extended dreams had taught you that the first kill in the cycle had been between lovers.  For some reason, the man of that life chose to leave your past self for someone else.  It might have been a forced situation or simply a new love, but you never learnt the truth.  All you knew was that your first life would not have made it in her living situation without the man and, in a mixed craze of desperate love and rage, she had stabbed him.  She must have been broken and unstable to go so far, but you did not bother to judge her.  You were technically said woman in some way, just reborn to relive her sins as punishment.  A sudden knock on the bathroom door and a concerned call from one of your parents brought you back to reality.  A quick reassurance was called before you stood back up and washed your face once more.

               Today was going to be one hell of a day.

               Apparently you had lost yourself in the bathroom for over half an hour which left you with not as much time to eat as you had hoped.  A quick meal was forced down your throat and you downed more than a  few glasses of water to keep it from coming back up what with your current state.  When you opened the door to leave, a biting wind hit you directly in the face and you quickly backed up and slammed the door.  An extra coat would be needed that morning.  Once properly outfitted, you called your farewells for the day and opened the door again.  Your mother appeared just before you stepped out and informed you that she and your father would be gone until the next day for some sort of emergency.  How convenient, you thought.  A fake smile and "all right" were all it took to satisfy her before you left.

               It was odd how short the walk to school felt and how fast everything seemed to be happening around you.  Before you realised it, you had climbed to the third floor and entered your classroom right before the first bell rang.  You took your seat at the edge of the fourth row and gathered your materials.  Other students entered and Iwaizumi offered a quick greeting as he passed you by.  You could only smile and wave as he took his seat further in.  The teacher arrived soon after and homeroom began.  Not a single drop of information from your first class soaked in and the succeeding classes passed in a similar manner.  The whole time your teachers droned on, you were lost in your memories recalling many mundane moments spent with your two friends for some reason.  It was only the bell for lunch break that managed to pull you out of your daydreams.  Suddenly, you felt rather drained despite your complete lack of attention for the first four classes.

               "You doing okay?  The whole morning you looked totally out of it." You almost jumped at the sudden conversation.

               "I woke up way before my alarm, but too late to head out early, ugh," you groaned and dragged a hand down your face as naturally as possible.  Iwaizumi let out a sympathetic "aah" before taking the chair in front of your desk.  The coal-haired boy did not bother to turn the seat and simply sat with his chest against the back support.

               "So what's today's menu?" the boy asked.  You pulled out a thermos plus your bento and popped the lid to showcase the day's selection.

               "I wanted to bring some miso soup today, so I made tempura to go along with it.  Feel free to take some of the other side dishes," you chirped before plucking some of Iwaizumi's seasoned rice.

               "Much obliged." The wing spiker happily picked out some of your fried tofu.

               "Hey!  You guys started without me!"

               "Milk bread."

               "It's milk bread, isn't it?"

               Standing beside you, Oikawa flinched and released some sort of "geh" sound.  The two of you were on the mark as the brunet somewhat dejectedly held up a wrapped bread bun.

               "You've got to eat more if you're going to last through practise, moron," Iwaizumi scolded as the star setter pulled up a chair and sat at the outer edge of your desk.

               "But Iwa-chan was the one who forced me out of the house before I could grab my lunch!  I didn't plan on buying anything today so I don't have enough cash," the third-year moped.  You sighed and slid your box lid out from under your bento.

               "Here.  The last thing Iwaizumi or your team needs is a collapsed captain." A couple egg rolls and one of your tempura shrimp were lined up before you slid the makeshift plate over to your friend.

               "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" The brunet's eyes were sparkling enough to blind you.

               "You tried to last year before Iwaizumi threw a ball at your face for wasting time during practise.  I had to take you to the nurse for a bloody nose," you replied evenly and drank some of your soup.

               Oikawa shoved his face into his hands in shame while Iwaizumi snickered.

               "Ah, that reminded me of something.  I have to go somewhere and meet up with my family right after practise today, so I won't be heading back home," the dark-haired third-year informed you both.

               "I can't believe Iwa-chan is abandoning me," the other male whined.  You swallowed your last egg roll before speaking.

               "My parents are going to be gone so I don't mind staying after today." You glanced over to Oikawa who instantly perked at the news.

               "Score!  First I get some of my darling’s amazing food and now she's walking home alone with me!  Iwa-chan, thank you from the bottom of my heart for this golden opportunity." The brunet stared at his childhood friend with serious eyes and suddenly clasped the other's hands.  You quickly moved your lunch off of your desk and to your lap.

               "You're grossing me out!" Iwaizumi half screeched and then delivered a solid kick to the taller male's stomach, rocking your desk quite violently in the process.  The warm sensation of hot miso soup flowing down your throat helped you drown out Oikawa's pained groans from the floor.

               The rest of lunch passed a little more peacefully as you chatted with your classmate while Oikawa slumped against his seat and recovered.  His contributions to the conversation were the occasional fake pained groan.  Iwaizumi started to get annoyed with the act, so you intervened before worse befell the brunet.  A quick pat to the head from you and the school's star setter was back to perfect health.  Soon after that, lunch ended and the two boys returned to their respective places, Oikawa reminding you as he left to come watch practise after classes ended.

               The remaining two classes of the day passed similarly to your morning ones and soon you were packing your materials back into your bag.  Iwaizumi, as quick as ever, hovered by your desk as he waited for you to finish up.  Within a couple minutes, the two of you dropped by Oikawa's classroom to pick him up before club started.  The both of you stopped as you spotted the setter surrounded by three flustered girls.  The brunet chattered and laughed on occasion seemingly without a care for his prior engagements.  When Iwaizumi shifted forward a little in order to deliver punishment, you extended an arm and held your friend back.

               "Wait, I've got this one." The coal-haired boy shot you a confused look but relented with a trusting nod.

               You replied similarly and then took out a sheet of loose notebook paper from your bag.  A few precise folds later, and you brandished a textbook perfect paper airplane.  Your target had still failed to notice either of your presences, so you continued on with the plan and nimbly launched the paper plane forwards.  Something like a caterwaul left Oikawa as the sharpened nose struck the brunet in his ear.  When his shrieks died down, the third-year whipped his head around to finally notice the two of you.  The setter's face blanched as you smiled and waved sweetly while, in complete contrast from beside you, Iwaizumi looked ready to kill.  Oikawa let out one more squeak before offering a rushed excuse to the girls and dashing over with another apology on his tongue for the two of you.  The ace wing spiker kicked him in the shin before he could even start.

               Distractions out of the way, the three of you headed for the second gymnasium.  Mindless chatter ensued for the short walk before you split from the boys while they got changed in the clubroom.  You entered the nearby gym and immediately went to help their manager set up the net.  The second-year girl sent you an appreciative grin as you both worked on securing the ropes.  Soon enough, the club members started to fill the gym, so you took your leave and headed up to the second level gallery.  You waved when your two friends entered as well.  Iwaizumi was friendly while Oikawa responded with maybe a little too much vigour plus a double peace sign for some reason.  Nonetheless, the brunet's antics drew a giggle from you.  Practise soon began and you let your eyes wander the members before your mind soon drifted as well.

               The day had proceeded like so many others before, but it was still a crucial day for you.  For some reason, whenever you looked at Oikawa, there was no reaction.  Before, your instinct had always nagged you about your position or that the time was not right.  A little voice had always whispered something unnerving and inhumane when the brunet was on your mind, but today was quiet.  There was no noise and there was no mental push and pull.  The only thing you heard all day was the beat of your own heart and how it would speed up at the thought of the club captain.  The male's name left your lips in a sigh just before said setter turned to gaze at you.  Caught off guard, you froze for a second before waving lazily.  Oikawa grinned and returned the gesture until a volleyball flew into the back of his head, courtesy of Iwaizumi, of course.  You giggled once more before warning Oikawa yourself with a shooing motion.  Taking the hint, your friend returned to practise alongside the other club members.

               By the time club activities were over, the sun had sunk halfway below the horizon and doused the town in amber hues.  Iwaizumi bade farewell and left the school as Oikawa and you headed for home in the opposite direction.  The longer you walked in solitude with your friend, the louder you could hear your heartbeat echo in your ears.

               "Hey, you okay?" A worried call of your name and a sudden hand on your shoulder shocked you into stumbling over your own two feet.  
"Whoa!  Is this first year all over again?" Oikawa quipped as he caught you before you hurt yourself.  You squeaked at the initial rough handling and steadied yourself.

               "Please don't start that up after all this time.  You just caught me off guard is all," you huffed and eased out of the brunet's hold.  A quick thanks was added on the side before the two of you continued down the road.

               "Sure, sure.  But really, you should fix your habit of spacing out like that or someone dangerous will really get the better of you some day," Oikawa chided in semi-faux concern.

               "I think the most dangerous one would already be the one hundred eighty over centimetre guy with a crush on me who doesn't know how to hold himself back," you replied just as sarcastically.  The brunet flinched from the retort.

               "Don't go dragging _that_ into the conversation!  My current situation is cruel enough as is, so you don't need to go rubbing salt in my wounds," your friend grumbled as his mood instantly deflated.  The male scowled and pointedly turned his head away from you.

               "It's troubling for me as well, you know, watching you struggle right up till now when we'll be graduating in only a couple months and then that'll be that.  Also, you're going to run into a pole." You grabbed the male's blazer sleeve and forced him out of his collision course with the streetlight.

               "Guh!  No need to be so rough!" Oikawa complained before he continued in a more sombre tone, "It's not like there's anything I can do when you've outright rejected me before and I'm respecting your decision."

               Your feet stopped as the main road split into the usual paths ahead of you.  Oikawa stalled a couple steps ahead and turned back to you but remained silent.  A frigid wind blew in the winter dusk and the chain link swings in the park creaked from the force.  The thump of your heartbeat ceased to echo in your ears and you realised that this was it.

               "A year and a half is plenty of time for someone to change their mind," you half mumbled and sighed, but the crease in Oikawa's brow told you he had heard. “I told you my parents are out, didn't I?  My mum said both she and my dad would be gone until tomorrow.  It's lonely returning to an empty house." By now, the brunet had turned to fully face you with an unsure scowl on his lips.  You let a soft smile spread across yours.

               "Hey, you wanna' come over to my house, Tooru?"

               You almost laughed at the cartoonish drop of the brunet's jaw.  His mouth flapped a couple times before he finally managed to fumble with the words on his tongue.

               "Re-Are you-I-Seriously?  Wait, I-I'm not just misunderstanding something here, am I?!" The scarlet flare to Oikawa's cheeks really stood out in the dying light of the red sunset.

               "Do you not want to?" you questioned sweetly with a meek touch. “Ah, well, it's sudden, huh?" Your gaze slipped to the ground as your hands gripped your bag strap tightly.  Just the tiniest shift in your stance caused a grating sound against the road and you knew you looked so disappointed that the male would not be able to refuse.  You chuckled dryly in your mind at how useful three years of acting in front of Oikawa was in that moment.

               "Do you want me to?" The brunet's question caused you to freeze for a second, but you flinched back to reality when Oikawa gently took one of your cold hands in his slightly warmer ones.  He gave it a comforting squeeze just like the first day you met and hot tears threatened to rise before you forced them back.

               "Tooru," you breathed his name, about to try to convince the setter, but the male acted first and gently tugged you in the direction of your home.

               "It's cold out and your house is closer.  I'll message my parents that I'll be gone on the way." With that, Oikawa dug his phone out of his pocket and squeezed your hand once more as the two of you headed down the path.  You glanced back at the park where you had first become friends with the brunet and smiled sadly, a silent farewell leaving your lips.

               The walk to your house was quick, but Oikawa kept your hand gripped in his the entire trip.  You felt like your hand was nearly burning by the time you arrived as a sense of guilt built up the along the way.  When the two of you entered the house, you slipped your hand out of his to take off your coat and slide out of your shoes, Oikawa following in suit.  You smiled at the brunet and told him to feel free to roam since it was not his first time at your place and excused yourself to your room for a bit.  Quickly, you took the stairs up and entered your room a little ways down the hall.  After you closed the door, you almost collapsed against the wood and slid a little closer to the floor.  Since earlier, two different voices screamed against each other in your mind.  The instinct to -KILL KILL KILL MURDER KILL- the boy grated against your cranium and it felt like your head would split.  At the same time, a second voice pounded in your brain and demanded that you -LEAVE RUN GET OUT DON'T DO IT- before you could harm the brunet.  A few hot tears leaked from the corners of your eyes before you mentally screeched for the noise to stop.  Strangely enough, it did.  You breathed heavily and shakily returned to your feet, but as soon as you regained yourself one of the voices returned.

               "I know," you whispered hoarsely and roughly wiped away at your tears.  Seemingly appeased, your mind finally cleared and your aches started to recede.

               Quickly, before Oikawa would come looking, you grabbed a pair of scissors from your desk and placed them next to your alarm clock set nearby and above your bed.  After that was done, you speedily pulled off your school blazer, skirt, and stockings and threw them in the closet before adorning a pair of sweatpants and a loose sweater as some sort of excuse when you headed back down.  With the stage set, you moved forth to finish everything.  When you arrived downstairs, Oikawa was sipping a mug of hot tea in the kitchen.

               "Sorry, but I was cold in the uniform," you explained as you slid next to the brunet leaning against the granite countertop.  Oikawa only smiled and patted your head.

               "I like seeing you out of your uniform anyways.  Want some?" The male offered you the mug, which you took with an appreciative smile.  Warmth immediately started to spread in your body as you drank the hot liquid.

               "S'good," you mumbled as feeling returned to even your fingers and toes.  Oikawa laughed and plucked the mug back from your hands before downing what was left of the tea.  Your gaze followed his tongue as the pink muscle swiped a languid trail over his upper lip to catch any remaining droplets.

               "Hey, just now, that was an indirect kiss, wasn't it?" the brunet asked in a strangely soft voice.  You felt your face heat, but agreed quietly.  You swore your face was burning when Oikawa smoothly trapped you between the countertop and his body.

               "Can I?" Even without specifying, you knew what the brunet meant as he leaned his forehead against yours and sepia eyes stared at you from under dark lashes.  You silently grabbed the lapels of Oikawa's blazer and tugged him closer as your approval.

               The kiss was soft.  The male's touch was gentle and slow, as if to make that single moment last for as long as he could.  Several seconds passed before the brunet pulled back from the kiss with hazy eyes.  It seemed to take a moment before he recollected himself, and then the most blissful smile you had ever seen bloomed across Oikawa's face.  He was so happy that your stomach wrenched and you almost threw up at the burning guilt.  When you noticed the third-year start to part his lips to speak, you roughly pulled him in for another kiss.  If you let Oikawa say those certain words or anything even close at that moment, you would undoubtedly crack and crumble.  Luckily, the brunet quickly lost himself in the second lip lock and let you proceed as you wished.

               You pulled tighter at the male's jacket before you timidly pressed the tip of your tongue out from between your lips to poke at the brunet's.  Oikawa immediately parted his mouth and let his tongue meet yours without a moment's hesitation.  A squeak escaped you at the sudden contact, but the male wrapped an arm around your waist and pressed his other hand to the back of your head to prevent your escape.  Soon enough, the feeling of his wet muscle trailing along yours elicited a groan from your throat and you moved your arms over the male's broad shoulders to wrap around his neck and pull him closer.

               Air was a necessity, however, and Oikawa soon backed away to catch his breath.  You were also left panting slightly.  No longer preoccupied with the kiss, you pulled the brunet into a tight hug and pressed your face into his torso.  When the male took a breath to speak, you quickly cut him off with a whimper.  Oikawa thankfully understood the message and embraced you tighter instead as he brushed his lips against your hair.  It was wholly selfish, but you wanted to enjoy your moment with him as much as possible before you ended it all.  The guilt did not cease its toll on your insides, but you simply endured it.  Suddenly, the brunet loosened his grip and you were about to look at him in a silent question when his hands gripped behind your thighs and the male hoisted you onto the kitchen counter.  Another squeak left you at the abrupt action and you grabbed roughly at the setter's shoulders, but a series of chaste kisses from the male quickly subdued your reaction.  While Oikawa's hands smoothed up your legs to rest gently at your hips, his lips started to trail kisses from the corner of your mouth, across your cheek, and finally down your neck.  Nimble fingers made quick work of your school shirt's buttons in order to fold the fabric out of the male's path.  Soon enough, he reached the curve of the base of your neck and stalled to take an experimental lick.  Your pleasured gasp was reaction enough for him.

               Oikawa's thumbs rubbed languid circles at the crest of your hips while he lathered your neck and collarbone with attention.  The occasional nip and suck would make their way into the pattern and you would not be able to hold back your voice at the sensations.  When the male's hands started to slip under your clothes, however, the reality of the situation blew back into your mind at full force.  This was your chance.

               "W-wait..." you rasped and pushed feebly at the brunet's shoulders.  You realised your body was subdued by pleasure more than you were comfortable with.

               "Sor-" Sienna irises gazed at you in worry, but you cut off the male's concerns with an assured shake of your head.

               "No, um, my...room," you half squeaked as you forced the last word out.  The difficulty was from a mixture of embarrassment and guilt, though you were not sure which was more prevalent.

               Despite the vague implications of your three-word reply, Oikawa quickly understood what you wanted.  You, however, were not prepared for the setter to cradle your back with a strong arm and hook the other under your thighs before he lifted you into the air.  A stunted shriek left you at the sudden carry and your hands immediately buried into the male's blazer.  Oikawa shifted his hold to nestle you closer to his body and, before you could voice a complaint, brushed his lips to yours once more before briskly making his way to your room.  After the trip up the stairs, the brunet nudged his shoulder against the door to slide past and shut it behind him with his foot.  The third-year did not bother with the lights and strode over to your bed.  The setter was careful as he settled you down among the sheets and you scooted back a little before Oikawa climbed on top of you.  Caged in by the male above you, your heart picked up pace and you found it hard to face the brunet.  Something about the position scared your instincts, not to mention your plan was useless in the current situation.  When Oikawa dipped down for a kiss, you squeaked and backed away without thinking.

               "I-I'm sorry!  What's wrong?" The brunet's expression immediately shifted to match his anxious words.  He raised a hand to possibly stroke your cheek as comfort, but you flinched at the movement and Oikawa quickly drew back.  Thankfully, though, the extra space helped you find your voice.

               "On top—I don't know i-it just...scares me.  S-Sorry, just-" you stuttered and stopped midway to bite your cheek in frustration.  Strangely enough, the male only sighed in relief at the explanation.

               "I thought I had hurt you or something.  If that's what's bothering you, then just stay above me." You only managed to give the brunet a quizzical stare before he moved back above you and settled an arm around your waist.  The next thing you knew, your vision rolled and then you were lying on Oikawa's chest.

              "Better?" You nodded and the male stole that quick kiss he wanted from earlier.

               The brunet shifted backwards until he was slightly propped against the bed frame and pulled you in for an open-mouthed kiss.  As you let the male lead and his hands started to slip under your sweater once more, you brought your own arms over his shoulders.  When Oikawa separated from the lip lock and went back to marking your neck, you took the chance to reach behind the male and grasp the scissors that you left next to your clock, the digital numbers serving as a beacon.  You sucked in air sharply when warm hands brushed your torso and skirted at the edges of your bra, but forced yourself to focus.  Silently, you manoeuvred the tool in one hand to aim the point at the back of the brunet's neck.  Your grip tightened and you gasped before you brought the metal blades down.

               That was until your arm froze halfway and started to tremble until you dropped the scissors.  The metal and plastic clattered as it bounced off of the headboard and onto the sheets beside you.  Oikawa jumped at the noise, but he had little time for the distraction as you fell limp against his body.

               "Hey, what's wrong?!" the brunet asked in near panic as you trembled and started to sob into his chest.

               "I can't, I can't, there's no way I can do it...!" You pulled at the male's rumpled blazer and let your tears stain his school shirt. “I can't kill you, damn it!"

               There was a fair number of reactions you expected from Oikawa after you screamed your secret right then and there.  You had even gone as far as to seduce him while knowing how he felt for you.  He had been utterly betrayed and you deserved any anger, disgust, or anything of the like he ended up regarding you with.  Time felt to move infinitely slower as you awaited the storm, but then you realised that the lag was because nothing was actually happening.  Utterly confused, you hesitantly glanced up at the brunet, but what you saw in the minimal light only dumbfounded you further.  Oikawa had the heel of one hand pressed to his forehead as his eyes were screwed shut.  Occasionally, an intelligible mumble would leave the male before he gasped and grit his teeth.  Several more seconds passed, however, and whatever the brunet was dealing with seemed to ease up.  You felt a little relieved until he gripped your hands—still on his blazer—and spoke.

               "That's no good...  You can't back down," Oikawa's voice was soft, but there was a firm determination to his voice that, combined with his words, scared you. “You need to kill me!"

               Your jaw dropped momentarily before you were about to shout back in confusion, but the male continued on fiercely, "You can't give up now or you'll suffer the repercussions of breaking the chain and I can't have that!  If anyone has to stop the cycle, it's me.  You need to keep on living, so you have to kill me!"

               "What the hell are you talking about?!" you finally screamed and tried to take your hands back, but the male's grip only tightened.

               "You have to kill me, don't you?  That's what you were born knowing so you need to do it and keep going as many times over as it takes for me to fix this!" Oikawa's voice started to crack and you could hear raw emotion in his hoarse words.  The problem was that you had no clue as to the reason why or the meaning behind his words.

               "I don't understand a thing you're sayin-"

               "I'm the one who started this whole continuous killing fate!!"

               The night fell silent except for laboured breathing from both of you as Oikawa's words soaked into your head.

               "You think you're the one who started this eternal punishment thing, don't you?  That's wrong, though.  I don't know if you can remember, but I do—at least for right now.  It was my fault that this endless chain started because I was the one who killed you first." You opened your mouth to say something, anything to deny him, but the brunet pushed on determinedly, "In probably a cottage with only a dim fireplace as lighting, a woman stabbed a man in the back with a knife before he could leave her; that's your first memory, isn't it?  The truth is, it's my second." Oikawa finally released your hands only to capture your face between his large palms and have you stare him in the eyes. “Can you remember?  It's not just the times you've killed me, I've had to do it as well."

               Suddenly, a jolt ran through your head and it felt like your cranium would burst.  A searing pain permeated your skull, but you could only gasp at the throbbing ache.  You clenched your eyes shut and images flashed behind your eyelids.  Countless murders played out before you just like your dreams, except this time you continuously witnessed a man killing a woman.  Just like your dreams, they could look like anything and anyone, but you knew that the man and woman were always the same people.  And that the woman was always you again.

               As the pain started to die down, one last life played out before you as a conflicted-looking man strangled a woman to death.  You could feel your breath leave you at the same time as the woman and the pain was excruciating.  When the deed was done, the man crumbled and wept as he held the other's lifeless body.  That was when you heard him speak.  Though not entirely clear, what you could make out sounded far too familiar as he begged both God and the Devil for punishment; for the woman to have another chance in order to have retribution.  As the scene finished after the man's plea, you were shocked back to reality and felt like you had been dumped in ice water.  You coughed and gasped for air as your mind refocused and the first thing you became aware of was Oikawa stroking your cheek with one of his thumbs.

               "I'm so sorry," he whispered pitifully. “I loved you back then as well, and many times before, but I never remembered anything other than always killing you and how I asked for punishment.  I always thought I had no choice but to keep going with it, but since I remembered everything now, I won't mess up in the next cycle." Still cradling your face, the brunet hesitantly brushed his lips against your forehead. “After you kill me this time, I'll break the chain in my next turn and you'll be free of this.  You'll be able to live in peace and fall in love with someone who won't hurt you the way I did and have," the male's voice cracked as he spoke and it felt like your chest ripped open along with it.  This time, your hands shot up to grip his.

               "I don't want to!  There's no way I can kill you!" You glared stubbornly at the brunet and, like he did many times before, cut him off when he opened his mouth, "If I fell in love with you again after so many times as well, what makes you think I can do it?!  I'd rather just break this stupid cycle right now and both of us keep living!  I want to keep going to school with you and to college and past that and-and...please," you whimpered that last word and felt tears start to overflow.  Oikawa could feel your hands tremble atop his own.

               "We can't," he rasped through his own emotions. “If you can't kill me now, like you're supposed to, then I'm the one who breaks out of the cycle and you'll die soon after.  It could even happen tonight in a freak fire or something if the setting is right." The brunet did his best to soothe your crying as you sobbed softly.

               "I can't..." you repeated between sniffles.  Oikawa remained silent as he brushed the tears that fell under his thumbs.  You started to calm yourself when the male spoke again.  
 

              "There's one more option, but I don't want to do it any more than letting you break the chain," the male sighed, but relented when you stared at him expectantly. “We can both break out of the cycle, but neither of us will continue to live." You took a second to process Oikawa's words before your eyes widened at their meaning.

               "Double-"

               "-suicide."

               You chewed your tongue and averted your gaze as the male affirmed your suspicions.  There was no way you could kill Oikawa, but it was hardly like you wanted to die yourself.  Both happening did not seem like a particularly great option, but none of your choices were appealing at any rate.  When you turned back to the brunet with a decision in mind, a resigned smile had curled his lips.

               "Can I hear it from you straight at least once?  After using my feelings of over a year long to seduce me into this sort of situation and I'm still feeling kind of hurt you know." The third-year laughed softly, the sound having not changed in nearly three years.  It was still musical and made your heart flutter.

               "Tooru," you breathed and reached for the scissors among the sheets.

               "I love you." The plastic handle was cold in your hand, but you smiled warmly at the brunet who returned it with a grin.

               "I love you, too," Oikawa replied before he kissed you one last time as you brought the metal blades down and felt warm blood cover your hand.


End file.
